The day I thought I was going to die…

Because Instagram won’t let me post in my comments, and because it’s so emotionally taxing to explain what’s been going on, and I want to explain… but have little energy to, I am posting the full story here… if you read what I wrote on insta… fast forward to CONT

I am having mixed feeling writing this, gratitude for being able to, and also still many emotions that are processing from just over a week ago… but I’ve always tried to be vulnerable on here and in life, so here goes nothing.

A few months ago I began to have symptoms of cancer reoccurance. I’ve never been fully in the clear as my scans have shown foci, but I began having symptoms in my breast that freaked me out. I shot into high gear of cleansing diet, and some of the symptoms got better.

I decided to pack up most of my stuff in Costa and come home for the summer for more reasons than I cared to admit. During this time my appetite got less. My energy levels began to decline, and I lost quite a bit of weight. The thing on my neck felt bigger, breast getting inflamed here and there. Doctor said there’s symptoms of inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive type that can take people out in weeks.

On July 5, still trying to live a normal life, I went to go see one of my fav performers Tash Sultana at the Salt Shed. Right away I knew I had made a mistake. I began to cramp up, and have a really bad feeling throughout my body. I felt like my body was shutting down, losing function of my body and feeling like I was going to seize. I needed electrolytes, SALT I thought! My friend asked around for it and somehow at an old salt plant, there wasn’t a single packet of salt. I asked for medical assistant and they rudely told me to go order French fries. 😳

Panic was setting in as I know that the body needs certain things to literally stay alive.

I thought, do I call 911? And then I remembered the needle they’d put in my arm, which I have seizures from and thought that would 100% have me in total shock and die.

So I called my mom, bring my fasting salts! Bananas, fruits, nuts, WHATEVER. I sat in my car waiting thinking how I was trying to starve this shit in my body and it had starved me. I remember reading how cancer doesn’t kill you, it steals your nutrients, your digestion halts and that’s it. Ugh.

My mom arrived and with whatever energy I had I got into her car and tried to eat, but my body wouldn’t let me swallow. My breathing became labored. I felt like at any moment I would pass out and die.

CONTINUED FROM INSTA…

I called my brother and told him to be at the house, so I could tell them what had been happening and tell them I love them before I passed.

As one of my dear friends reflected back to me when I told her this, she said I can be quite stoic. And she’s right, it takes ALOT for me to be shaken up. But for 4 years since my cancer diagnosis I have lived with this fear hovering over me. Which was manageable until recently when things felt escalated. I didn’t let anyone know what was happening, why I packed up my life in Costa Rica, why I was home, why I was being so strict on my health. Because I was absolutely terrified.

It all came out like a lightning storm on a sunny day. Literally. And it hit not only myself, but the ones closest around me. Total tower moment. I was accepting what felt like a twisted fate.

After heartbreakingly telling my brother and Mom how much I loved them, my brother laid my favorite blanket out for me and told me to rest. I did, and as my body drew more cold, more cramped, and the pain got more unbearable my life literally passed before my eyes.

Even though my body was in such terrible pain I didn’t feel any anger, resentment, regret, just forgiveness and love. So much love. I really spent every day of my life in a state of love. Every day. And I spread that love in every corner of every place I could.

I am unconditional love, I thought… okay, maybe this is what my Grandma was talking about. When we become pure love, we “ascend”. We are no longer needed down here. Maybe I learned what I was meant to in this human experience and it didn’t take me more than many lifetimes before and 39 years in this one to do so. But my heart was so sad as I cried to my brother to make sure my nieces knew how much I love them. I laid there and told my Mom some of the things I will miss out on. I wanted to be a Mom I said, “I know, hunnie.” she said back with such sadness in her eyes. I wanted to see my nieces grow up and to be the one to take care of my Mama as she got older. I would miss so many people and so many things, I didn’t want to go.

I didn’t sleep through the night as I was so afraid once I closed my eyes I wouldn’t open them again. I said I love you to as many people as I could in that time even though it was such a blur, I just wanted everyone to know, but my energy was so low… I realized I didn’t have to send everyone an I love you. They knew. They knew because I tell them and show them every.

If I loved you once, I love you forever - no matter what. And it’s true, not a single bad feeling in my heart.

At 8pm, July 6th I finally fell asleep with my mom, my best friends Blair and Meagan and my kitty with me. I was at peace with whatever was going to happen even though the thought of my Mom finding my cold body in the morning haunted me. I pictured my frail body, cramped up and hardened, but hopefully I didn’t look too bad. She already had to see My Dad, her soulmate that way, she doesn’t deserve to see her baby like that, too.

I cannot express to you the feeling when I woke up the next day. First thing I see is my Mama’s face. I absolutely lost it. I’ve never been so happy in my life! I thought to myself, if I did die in my sleep… and there’s a such thing as heaven, it’s waking up and seeing my Mama’s face again. 😭 Heaven is being here! Heaven is being ME! Heaven is living, even if it’s just one more day.

I hugged her and told her how happy I was to see her, we held each other and cried.

The first few days were still super shaky, and scary that things would take a turn for the worse again. Like another crash was around the corner. But now I feel hopeful, stronger, crawling out from the ashes… unlike ever before. I’ve got a road ahead of me of figuring out what’s going on and it can be daunting and terrifying at times. But I’m doing it. And I’m doing everything I can to get over the lingering trauma from my last western medical go around.

The lesson has been I can’t do this alone, I was carrying the weight of my terror to protect those I love all while crushing under it. I also didn’t want to admit something was wrong bc the PTSD from the first cancer go around 4 years ago is real. But my hyper-independence and resistance whooped my butt. I am so grateful for those that have shown support, even if it’s just a quick checkin- it’s made all the difference. I am so loved, it’s like all that love I sprinkled around were seeds that grew and became the shade I needed just in time.

Most of all, I’m grateful for my Mama, who I know I wouldn’t have made it through without. My life was saved by my Grandma and now by her, a long line of angels I come from 🪽

I know my purpose is to walk through these fires to help others find a path of healing and I promise to share with everyone as much as I can. As any of you know that’s ever reached out - I am always here for support.

Thank you thank you thank you ❤️‍🩹

You ain’t seen the last of me, we’re just beginning. And I’m sorry for the aggressive hugs I will be giving out, if you thought they were over the top before… you ain’t seen nothing yet. Love you all, mean it. ⚡️